Americano Frappe - Malai maar ke

Excerpts from a recent visa interview of a close friend, whoz applying for a Masters in the US.

I - Interviewer
A - Herself

I - Good morning Ms. Amrita Bee Cowshit. You may sit down.
A - (A lil agitated)A very good morning sir. And before we start may I just correct you that my surname is 'Koushik', not Cowshit.
I - Oh sure! forgive my error. Ram-in-deep! Bring this lady something to drink.
(Ramandeep, a lil embarassed, brings her mountain dew. A has never seen dew outside its green bottle ever, and hence is a lil skeptic whether to take it or not. She could be laughing stock of the embassy tomorrow for all she knew!..)
I - Alright Ms, lets get on with it. So you want to pursue higher studies in the US. Arent you happy with the facilities in India?
A - (to herself) Oh! I am completely fascinated by the booming Indian Biotech industry and its academic research structure. In fact, Im even friends on a personal note with Dunston's(yes, the movie chimp) desi clone, Bhargav. But to tell the truth, there arent enough guys to hook up with here, and thats why I want to try my luck in the 'land of opportunities'. As would be obvious, Ive maintained myself top notch, but havent found a single guy whose frequency matches mine. Nevermind one sun-baked 'Srini'vas Venkatraghavan who was once my senior, but then gave it all up and threw his life away playing cricket for India...Also, in India a grad girl sitting at home is a perfect bakra for people to start marriage talks. And since Im totally against monogamy I find it better to not sit on my ass here and do something about it.(To I) Sir, the kind of research I wish to pursue hasnt quite found its footing in India and at the same time America is one of the flourishing hotspots in Pharma engg. Also I believe it will help me as a..(I interrupts)

I - The Air conditioner is quite ineffective isnt it. Should've granted that Videocon guy's chachi a pass to one of Uncle Sam's presidential dinners. Oh, anyway, you were saying..
A - (To herself)Nevermind. Kiss my...Go to hell. F**k you. (This is a family blog mind you).....(To I) NO sir, I was done.

I - Oh ok, how about your stress analysis. How easy do you think you can deal with instant pressure situations?
A - (To Herself)You mean if Im travelling in the country with a sudden urge to pee, kinda pressure?..Nobody can deal with that. It deals with you. But then we Indians have been taught to appreciate the nature well, so I can feel at home even in the middle of a full grown phirangi sugarcane field.(To I) Yes sir I believe I have gone through enough in life to deal with any kind of situation that Im faced with.

I - Will you sell your body if you have no money, and an immediate need of the same?
A - (To Herself) You crazy pervert! This is all you've been waiting to ask all this while isnt it..I bet you ask this to every decent looking female in the slight hope of someone saying yes and you following it up with 'how exactly?'..(To I) No sir. Not in any circumstances will I let myself steep so down so as to compromise my values. I understand prostitution is a huge quick buck industry in the US and adversities force people into it, but I'll make sure I steer clear of it at all times. But then, these days a lot companies are advertising on people's faces with temporary tattoos. I might go in for that in the worst case scenario, if thats within your 'selling the body' parameter.

I - You seem to be well versed with the culture there.
A - (To herself) Im bored. Are you gonna f**king give me the visa or wat. U wanna ask questions I'll let Porky sit with you, he loves answering questions, simultaneously in 5 languages!..(To I) Yes,sir. A Result of a bit of homework but largely bcoz of the cross cultural bridging between our two great nations.

I - Thank you Amrita. That would be all.
A - Go kill yourself.